Here's how the opening and the Fairytale begins in Thomas and Twilight Sparkle meet Shrek.
[The film starts out with the DreamWorks logo, and it says "DreamWorks Pictures Presents" and "A PDI/DreamWorks Production". Then a light shines down to a book and it opens up]
Narrator: Once upon a time, there was a lovely Princess. [page flips over] But she had an enchanted of a fearful sort. Which can only be broken by love's first kiss. [page flips over] She was locked away in a castle, guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon! [page flips] Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. [page flips over] She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room, in the tallest tower, for her true love, and true loves first kiss. [then a green hand comes out and rips out the page] Yeah! [closes the book] Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of! [toilet flushes]
["All Star" begins playing]
[We then see an outhouse as out from it steps a big obese, green ogre named Shrek. Who then yawns and stretches but then he notices he has a paper stuck to his foot as he shakes it off as he then looks out where we see an old tree stump in a swamp where a house is built into its roots as Shrek grins at it before walking down the hill]
[then we see a bucket scoop up some mud as in the mud appears: "Thomas and Twilight Sparkle meet Shrek" written with green water as the bucket is hung on a branch as Shrek then throws his pants onto a log and then pulls a rope making the mud pour on himself as he scrubs himself with a brush as he then takes a mouthful of mud and gargles it as he then spits it out which then write out: "Mike Myers". Then it cuts to him using bug slime on a tooth brush and brushes his teeth as he looks in the mirror, but it breaks. And as the glass falls to the ground more writing comes out: "Eddie Murphy".]
[Then he hops in the swamp water, and he farts and a fish comes out and he grabs it and more writing appears: "Cameron Diaz". Then inside a log, Shrek pushes a pile of mud and then he then looks out from it and in the middle of the mud is a huge slug, which Shrek picks up and underneath, some little meal-worms write out: "John Lithgow".]
[Then we see Shrek painting something on an easle, and then he sets down his paints and picks up the picture which he kisses getting red paint on his lips as if it was lipstick, then he puts down the picture on a stick next to a sign that says: "Stay Out" as the picture reads: "Beware, Ogre" with a picture of a Shrek scary face on it]
[we then sideswipe to a door with a bunch of wanted posters with the top one involving ogres, as the door then is thrown open as a posse of men race out and huddle up where one then draws a an attack formation picture in the sand as he explains their attack plan, and then each man grabs a different tool, such as a torch, 2 pitchforks as we then return to Shrek who picks up a spoon as he starts eating eyeballs, as we return to the posse of men racing to the woods]
[Then we see Shrek light a match as he then burps into it, which his breath ignites into flames and then lights a fire in the fireplace. As the posse of men then all light torches from the leader's own and then they run deeper into the forest. As Shrek then eats a fish as he then relaxes in his recliner. As the posse of men are now in the swamp as they crush and stomp on a "Stay Out" sign, but then Shrek hears the commotion outside and looks out the window to see the posse of men as he heads to the back]
[then we view the posse of men walk by as "All Star" stops playing, and then in the darkness, Shrek crepts slowly behind the men and then men see his cottage]
Man 1: Think it's in there?
Man 2: Alright. [marches forward] Let's get it!
Man 1: [holds Man 2 back] Whoa, hold on! Do you know what that thing can do to you?
Man 3: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.
[Then there was a laugh, and the men look behind and see Shrek]
Shrek: Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant.
Men: [gasps and stumble back]
Shrek: Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.
Men: No!
Shrek: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.
Man 1: [waves the torch at Shrek] Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
[But Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. And they all gasp in fright]
Man 1: (drops torch) Right.
[But Shrek then roars as the villagers scream and their torches extinguish, and Shrek stops roaring but the villagers kept screaming and they stop]
Shrek: [whispering] This is the part where you run away.
[And then, they all run away]
Shrek: [laughing] And stay out!
[Then he sees something, and picks it up and reveals to be a poster]
Shrek: "Wanted: Fairy tale creatures." [sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder and heads back to his cottage]